Saturday, March 29, 2008
Dis-location and Melancholy
The week's almost over, and I am glad that this certain phase in my life's almost done with. For some time I've been giving so much of myself, expecting so much in return, and ending up empty and wanting. Sounds like any broken relationship right? Well, I've given people advice regarding the matter: lower your expectations or don't do so at all, the end result would be much happier. It's ironic that I myself can't even buy my own 'two cents'.
Nonetheless, the new phase is imminent (I gotta look for a new part-time job to last me before I leave for the States in September), and I actually can't wait for what's next for me. As of the moment, I feel I'm in a state of limbo, of dislocation, that I can't place myself anywhere yet. It must be that my body and soul's still getting used to the lack of anything impending. Well, there is always the thought of money seeping away so easily. But the thought of no more cramming of lesson plans, checking of papers and grading is something I'm still trying to grasp. I've been bitching about these for so long, and now they're gone. Interesting that I found myself earlier absentmindedly telling my sister that I didn't want to go home yet because I refused to check papers! Hahaha, it seems I'm still dizzy with the aspects of yore. I need to let go without the regrets.
I have the condo all to myself tonight, my friends are out drinking and my laptop's corrupted once again. I don't have any plans, but I feel like my space can't contain me. I feel restless now, trying to savor the returning freedom I was desperate for for the past months. And now that I have it, my hands remain free yet empty. It must be melancholy biting me in the ass again. I know I can do so much at home---perhaps clean the place; begin/finish my newest literary acquisition; endlessly surf channels on the telly; search for a job online--- but lethargy seems to have won me over.
So, I am online once again, hoping to find something or someone to appease this dismal restlessness.